


I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [12]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set following Laryngitis</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850), [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862), [I’m Not Myself Lately](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640884), [I Ain’t the Worst You’ve Ever Seen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640900), [I Know That I’ve Got Issues](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640908), [You’ll Never See What You’ve Done to Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641365), [Everyone Must Stand Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641370), [I Should Be Happy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641377) and [Every Now and Then I Fall Apart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641387)

It’s funny how things turn out. After the list debacle she had felt beaten and even lower than usual. It seemed like nothing mattered anymore, nothing was worth holding on to and so she didn’t even bother to try. To be honest she’s not even sure that there was a break up with Puck. She can’t recall any arguments or even a conversation on the matter. He simply stopped calling and stopped touching her and she didn’t protest. They didn’t implode, or even disintegrate, they simply atrophied. 

She didn’t feel a sense of loss. She didn’t feel anything. Her loses were already far too great. If there was a drop that fell into the ocean of her pain, the drop was too small for her to notice. His absence didn’t create a hole; he just fell through the gaping chasm that already existed inside her chest. His disappearance, like their relationship, was a non-event.

The first time that she can say that she felt anything at all about the Puck situation was when he was notifying the glee club of Mercedes’ tramp status via song. The realization that she was free of him resulted in a sense of relief. It was clear that all he ever saw in her was the label of head cheerleader. Clearly his desperation to restore his position as alpha male meant that he was prepared to use any port in a storm and she is happy to have lost her classification as a viable harbour. Apparently one of the upsides to her fall from grace is that she is not the go to girl if the school turns against you when you shave your mohowk off. 

She probably wouldn’t be game enough to admit it to Puck’s face but it is rather satisfying to know that it took the scandal of an unplanned pregnancy to bring her down and all that Puck had to do to end up in a similar position was shave a small strip off his mostly bald head. It would be nice to be able to know with certainty that she will never again allow herself to get low enough to use the likes of Puck to feel better but her baby hormones make it difficult to decide what to eat let alone be sure that she won’t succumb to the despair of loneliness. 

Knowing that she was able to feel something positive about the Puck scenario was a quite surprise. It came on the heels of Finn attempting to stake a claim on Rachel by channelling Rick Springfield and she had been fairly certain that it would be eons until she felt anything good again. In part she is angry that Finn never went to such lengths when it came to her but then again Rachel didn’t get herself knocked up with some other boy’s bastard. Mainly she is jealous that he can make such public declarations. She can’t envision a time when she would be capable of such an act. Most of the time she can’t even explain to herself the reason she feels as she does about Rachel Berry and there is no way that she is going to be able to explain it to the world.

Even if Quinn was comfortable with the way she feels, and that is a very large ‘if’ indeed, she doubts Rachel would be ok with Quinn crooning to her in glee club. Rachel may swoon over the fact that Finn is fighting for her but Finn has not spent years treating Rachel badly, Finn is not pregnant and Finn is not a girl. Finn is safe. Rachel’s rebel with a cause has about as much edge as a bag of wet sheep.

She really shouldn’t be worrying about Rachel Berry anyway. At the first sign of a problem with her voice Rachel has retreated to the hole that she crawled out of and Quinn is starting to doubt that she will ever reappear. In a way life is a lot easier with Rachel off the scene. Quinn’s feelings for her haven’t lessened but it is nice not to have to worry about running into Rachel. Seeing her is something that Quinn never feels prepared for and try as she might she can’t control the palpitations or the shortness of breath that occur whenever she comes across the brunette. She would never voice her feelings to anyone but she lives in fear that her secret will be revealed by a physiological response. 

It would be harsh to say that she is ashamed to like Rachel but it wouldn’t be entirely true to deny that shame. Having people find out that she is bewitched, bothered and bewildered by Rachel is an unacceptable outcome. She might be able to survive the stigma that it would cause at school but she would never survive what it would mean to her family. Things with her parents are precarious enough as it is and if they were to discover that she is in love with a girl her ostracism would be complete and final.

She is busy contemplating a Rachel free life, and busy avoiding her gym class, when she sneaks into the rehearsal room to find Rachel doing some form of vocal exercise. Either that or Rachel has started speaking in tongues. 

“I see that we are no longer blessed with the gift of your silence.”

“Mock all you want but we both know that the glee club could not function without my voice.”

“Everyone’s replaceable Rachel.”

Rachel looks as though she cannot comprehend Quinn’s words, “I don’t accept that.”

“I don’t think it really matters if you accept it or not, it’s true.”

“Is this about Mercedes?”

“We’ve been through this. How many times do I have to tell you that I do not have a thing for her?”

“That’s not what I meant. I was talking about the fact that Puck was showing an interest in her that he no longer appears to show in you. It stands to reason that you might be having some feelings about being replaced.”

“I’m not worried about that. If Puck wants to downgrade that’s fine with me.”

Rachel could not look more sceptical, “I think you’re lying.”

“I’m really not.”

“Then you are lying to yourself.”

“I doubt that.”

“Quinn I refuse to believe that the father of your baby actively pursuing someone else doesn’t effect you.”

“Puck isn’t the father of my baby.”

For a girl who loves to stand in the spotlight Rachel is apparently unaccustomed to headlights as she is very much a startled deer, “You slept with someone else?”

“No.”

“So he is the father?”

“Only in the biological sense. He will not be raising this baby.”

“Will you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you even want to?”

“I don’t know that either. I know that makes me a horrible person.”

“No it doesn’t. It just makes you honest.”

“I should want it.”

“I’m not an expert but I think if you’re calling the baby an it you are probably not ready.”

“What if I’m never ready? Sure now is a really bad time but what if someday my life is perfect and I’m in a position to have a child and when I get pregnant I still resent it?”

“Maybe you just learn to adjust.”

“If that’s the case then I should just keep this baby and find a way to adjust to it.”

“I think you just have to do what feels right.”

“What if nothing feels right?”

“Then maybe that should tell you something.”

“What? That nothing in my life will ever feel right again?”

“I know you Quinn. You know what feels right for you even if it’s not convenient,” to emphasise her point Rachel joins their hands together.

“This isn’t the same.”

“Maybe it is. It’s not what you wanted but it’s here and it’s real.”

She is so pathetic, Rachel alludes to the fact that there might be something between them and she is virtually soaring, “You think we have something real?”

Rachel tilts her head to the side, “I think we might but I’m with Jesse now and it can’t go anywhere.”

“So Jesse is back?”

“He’s due back soon.”

“He didn’t come back when you were sick?’

“No but laryngitis is hardly life threatening.”

“You were the one walking around school like you had contracted the plague.”

“I don’t get sick all the often. I have a strict regime of exercise, vitamins and a balanced diet that is calorie controlled but designed to acknowledge RDIs and it serves me very well. I don’t have much experience with illness and I tend to blow things out of proportion.”

“Really? I never would have guessed,” she tries to suppress the involuntary smile that has occurred. It’s not unreasonable to imagine that every time Rachel is unwell she is convinced that she is on her deathbed. She wonders if Rachel has actually gone so far as to make herself a will. 

“So did you miss me?”

She wants to tell Rachel that she misses her all the time and that she feels a heaviness inside her when Rachel is not around but what she actually says is, “No.”

Rachel doesn’t look at her but she softly says, “I really missed you,” before she races out of the room.

Quinn thumps her hand on the piano in frustration. Sometimes she can’t believe how stupid she can be. She should never have let Rachel walk out of the door. She wishes she’d been more honest or that she’d said something before it was too late but wishes are pointless. She doesn’t need any more wishes in her life as she is already wishing for so many things that will never come true. She wishes she were braver. She wishes life wasn’t so hard. She wishes Finn had been enough. She wishes she’d never let Puck fuck her. She wishes she’d never met Rachel Berry. Most of all she wishes she had Jesse’s girl.


End file.
